THE FALL

So it was...10 days after 10 years after 9/11. That is just for effect haha. Anyways, it was unlucky that I fell but I am lucky that my bones are intact. It was wonderful to see the kind of help I received from everyone around me and especially Waqas, Haider were wonderful apart from the Dean and his colleague. So it was kinda comforting. But I am still very thankful to god for saving me...for blessing me with reflexes...

Doing what you want to do: Really. As motivating a speaker/salesman as I can be, but I still need to be more of a 'do-er' of things. I need to pick up the hard skills...More than that I have to come out of my dreams and DO what I am supposed to do. For the next 3 weeks I will invest maximum time studying, but after that I have to embark on a weight loss program immediately. While I go about experiencing whatever I can, I have to remember about safety as well. Really being concious and aware of everything.

Family: As much as I like to think that I can be completely independent, I am still dependent on my family. And I am deeply indebted to Vicky/Suman, don't know how can I repay them, if I can that is...

Hmm...This is quite a life changer, get to know who are the 'real friends'...who help for the sake of helping. Time for me to wake up and get kicking....Immediately!!

Promise to Myself

So far exams have been 'kind' to me. ok politics was good and eg not bad but have this feeling but shall not think about it. As i promised myself i woudn't think about grades this sem until they come out but the focus would be on giving my best, very best.

Ok so far i have been able to give my best only partially in parts not on a regular basis at all!!

SOO!! FROM NOW ON I PROMIS MYSELF...these websites are out of bounds...

1) FACEBOOK/msn/skype/ebuddy.

2) goal.com/en/cricinfo.com/cricvid.com/timesofindia.com/ youtube( for anything besides listening to music)/ gmail.com except for checking email----strictly no chatting

3) no other random things....it is just a matter of 3rd May 5pm, now is 25th April 1:30 am, not too long to go , I can do it a bit, a bit of self-discipline, proving to myself i m not only about being swayed away or always finding comfort. And once this is over, I swear I am going to party hard, very hard.

So for the other 4 exams- here it is to trying my BEST VERY VERY BEST!! just don't do anything, I wouldn't get stressed, anytime i wanna do something else, i 'll walk or read this blog post or sleep. But nothing else.

here is a promise to myself on finishing on a high:):)

I CAN DO IT...i have said that enough times here...this TIME I WANT TO DO IT...a journey of a thousand miles starts from a few steps...a journey of finding myself, becoming close to my original self:)

here it is for the 3rd of may 7 pm

RIP BABAJI!

its been about 15 years since nana died....i was 5 then, I didn't really understand what is death then...I STILL DON'T! babaji is no more..it hasn't sunk in...and I don;t want it to sink in. Ahh i can't believe it...he is gone....thats death....one day i ll comprehend it. I have lost all my hard work, that was his legacy, coupled with honesty( i still have it) but no more hard work. so i will go to india....for babaji but what would really have made him happy would be to see me become a somebody, like papa like taya...to live his dream...through sheer hard work...its not for me or my confidence anymore its for him...justifying his expectations i m lucky that i was able to talk to him on monday, when he talked to me that second time....those will prob be his last words to me, there was something different to them!!! ahh...i cudnt see him in his last days, but i m not sad, his memory, like nana's will always always stay with me I will be strong, now i m older maybe for the first time in my life its time to support my family !! stay strong arjun:)

how people change...

Half of my life these days is spent obsessing about other people...

and after yet another of my Mumma's constant 'reminders' something stuck me...and stuck me real bad. WHAT THE FUCK HAS HAPPENED TO ME??? I am like languishing through NUS...for instance Math....5/10...it isn't the marks...but i was lucky to even get that? Like i have no focus...no drive...

The only person who i think is close to myself...is Gao Zheng!!! Now what I have become, I wouldn't even think of comparing myself with him....wouldn't even dare to compare with him....

When we went to US....I finished 3 Mathematics textbooks - BEFORE school even started. If someone to do it now I would 'look-down' on that person as a nerd.....What have I become??

Yes, it has not been all-bad...I have developed a strength of character....but then i can't hide behind the fact that I have become downright lazy....there can be no excuse for reduction in hard work ...and unnnecessary self-belief

Rishabh said: " OK ah, you don't work hard as the rest in the team but you have critical ideas and creativity" That is just experience....sheer experience from my hard work in the past and once that 'dries-off' i ll be left with nothing.

So again....what have I become into...i have turned into...whatever

but make every moment counts...live in the present....and maybe if i can achieve it i m sure i ll end up successful- otherwize i need to be ok life gives me:(

the confidence and the desire is back??

SOO!!! YES I CAN SAY WE ARE THE FUCKING CHAMPIONS AND I PLAYED a critical part in it....And also for the first time I can say I LOVEEE nus...I love eusoff!!! seriously i can never never forget the faces i saw in yesterday's match, my teamates, those who played/those who didnt play the supporters.....its like everything clicked.

I really admire Desi Dus on one end ...his commitment, if i can give the same commitment i would really be a somebody, whether in sports or in academics...or in whatever else...i still remember at the start of the semester- when i was stressed and he was just hitting the ball around..ALONE ...fucking inspiring!! thats what i wanna imbed.

secondly, the KR match, 2-0 down.....and i lay it to fate i can be a good keeper but never win, and then RENJI....the way he stepped up....more than all the shouting.....it was what he said.....we are 2-0 down, someone gotta step up why not us?? That statement, i can prob never forget it in my life..NEVER!!

then came the epic yesterday's match....even though me and jasdeep combined to concede fucked up goals in kr game...i just love playing with him...and the highlight was the double team on bairam and how it lead to the goal. ILYASA WAS fantastic.....again not just the skill...the fearlessness, actually i share the feeling with him...the constant feeling of defeat and finally overcoming it ....it was phenomenal!! winning yesterday 'THAT SAVE'

then what i remember from yesterday are primarily 2 saves....the first one against jesper...IVP counts for nothing....he got psychoed...i didnt react and he didnt know what to do..and I SEIZED MY MOMENT and then against bairam....he looked at me i looked at him and i could out manouvre him....

and then lastly i have to remind myself...there is vast scope to improve...#21 scored past me twice and this just cant happen....sooo i have to step up for next year.

Secondly i have mental strength...i can bounce back...i just have to apply it to academics....I wanna study like fuck and i wanna lose weight real bad, because next yr i wanna play many manay many sports for EUSOFF!!

so lets go arjun, finally...Life's good and this time i m saying whole heartedly....i will take this to fire me back to life and i can do it...can do whatever i want...just PERSERVERENCE AND PATIENCE.....it is a good omen...

I have the Match ball to remind myself i m good.....i can step-up now is the time and i will do it:D

INDIAA!!

Ok it was an unproductive day, but no more wasting time thinking of why was it unproductive....rather use the night to replace the day..:)

anw...talking MAMA....feeling like going to india so freaking badly...anything which vaguely represents some degree of getting away from this place. The next month should be fun...hopefully?? And i need a very serious rethink on life. Limiting expectations and working towards achieving it.

All the happy times in india await...and till then the last fucking week here...i would try my best!!! have to take exams so might as well do it as best as i can...thats what i tell people, will implement myself for once. A lot of things to look forward to, a disastorous semester just gone past, nothing is working in uni..so maybe have to make it work.

WIll TRY HARDER...cos i dun wanna live the holidays in guilt..no other motivation but that is a huge huge huge one:) 25th NOVEMBER FTW:D:D

similarities.

Just finished watching Legends of Cricket: Steve Waugh.

The one thing I heard most commonly in the video is he is a 'tough nut'.

To quote Tony Cozier: he had a legendary mental strength. He sucked at the short ball, and was even sacked from the team, but over a period of 90 test matches, he left it totally go....what concentration...IMBA SHIT!

I find similarities in him, one of the least graceful/technical batsman with one of the greatest mental strength, if not the best.

Further, by his admissions he wanted to be good at everything, one of the biggest problems facing me now. BUT I HAVE TO ASK MYSELF, DO I HAVE THE SAME MENTAL STRENGTH.

Every single day i feel like quitting, cos NUS sucks/ CS sucks....whatever why I am so fucking noob...none of my dreams will work out, without mental strength. I CAN DO THIS.

I shouldn't compare with people who study 10 times as much. The next time I will even think about cap is when i m sure i have given my 100%...whining wun help..must have that fighting spirit...the one which exemplified waugh, exemplified australia.

I first watched him play allan donald when i was 6...and i saw the same clip today...and now that it dawned on me...that he was a great batsman not only because he was gifted, but he had that something in him...I wanna emulate it...in my life, dun give up...optimize time, help people but most importantly, try my best now, very very best...in CS...in exams in general...in everything!

Makes me truly inspired..

as he puts it:

"You've got to have dreams to keep you going."